Monday, May 6, 2013

Still Cleaning Up Messes

Life seems to be a constant series of messes and clean-ups. I am not a person who makes a mess and walks away. I have to stay to clean-up. Pack it in/Pack it out. Leave no footprint. Tread lightly...etc...estimate your carbon footprint.... reduce/re-use/re-cycle...conserve/compost. It seems to be my understanding of the world that I want to live in. Yet, sometimes, I feel the pressure to organize/clean/declutter keeps me from enjoying life more.
My mind is full of clutter. Way to many projects, jobs, hats, and demands are filling my head with other people's messes as well as my own. Like this organization I started doing some work for. It seems that along with the regular work, there is about 30 years of clutter that needs to be sorted and tossed. And that is just in my area- bookkeeping/treasurer. Old files need to be purged. File cabinets need to be re-organized. Consolidation. Shredding. Because it is time consuming, none of the others before me wanted to do this work, so the "mess" builds over the years and becomes a mountain of work. Now it is a job all of its own- the organization needs a cleaning crew to come in and bully the clutter into submission.
I did this for them in another area, which then exploded into three areas and now is exploding again. You move one box and the world comes tumbling down in a cascade of trash. My only hope is to run away as fast as I can before the mountain can smother me. To this, I have given much thought and have planned my termination from this position. An escape route. But the tendrils of the organization, the other areas of vast clutter and mess, keep calling to me.
So as I turn my focus to my own clutter, I realize that I have many unfinished jobs sitting on my plate waiting for me to apply my time. Like my taxes. I proudly say, I have filed my extension on time. Yet the mountain is looming precariously over me.
This weekend, I did manage to get one  item off the plate. Of course, there are many more sliding on, but this one brought a sense of closure as well. I was able this weekend to finish the estate paper work for E's mom's estate. He was able to send a final check to his sister to close his obligation as a trustee. After she cashes that check, he will close the account permanently. One piece of clutter off my plate. Three pieces of clutter off his plate. Less to track. More brain space for me. I feel remarkably light and silly with all this extra space in my head. Buoyant even.
And because of this buoyant feeling, I cleaned the refrigeration shelves and drawers. What! you say. You didn't go out and celebrate? No, I cleaned up another mess. Damn! What is wrong with my brain?
Reality is- there is way more mess than can ever be cleaned up. Take time to play, too. Leave other people to clean up their own messes. Today, I will focus on my own things, my own messes, my own fun. I will warp my loom. I will knit my socks. I will relax and let the world spin in its sea of trash without picking any of it up. Now I have said it. Now I have to find a way to live it without feeling the pull of all the other messes calling my name. One day at a time.

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