Friday, July 9, 2010

Winter Thoughts

For the middle of July, I am deep in Winter Thoughts. You know those dark, cold places where old issues sleep and old fears shuffle around waiting for that vulnerable moment when they can steal just a bit more of your warmth. It doesn't help that our weather has been more winter than summer, too. Today there is no drizzle, but it is overcast and cold again. The fruit is rotting on the trees and the trees are starting to go dormant. There has been no sun, no warmth and they are thinking winter thoughts also.
My dark places have been stirring and it is hard to keep them quiet. This is because of events during the last couple of days that have turned some of our world into a strange dance full of tears and sadness, confusion, and rushing to try to figure out how to re-arrange things. Sara's mother died.
Sara is my step-daughter and now she is a partial orphan. Eduard has stepped up to be a full time dad, but Sara's step-dad is having issues with this. It is hard for him to let go of the control of Sara he has had for the last 8 years. And it is hard for Sara to let go of her mom's house, stuff, ways of doing things, routines. She is trying very hard to figure out who she is and what she needs to do. All of this stress and confusion has created that moment of vulnerability that encourages those dark moments to come forward.
But we are pushing back and trying to keep the world moving toward "functionality". So as I look out on another gloomy, cold summer day, I am thinking about Sara starting school in 6 weeks- College. Dorms. Holidays. Hustle and bustle. I am thinking about my room remodel in stasis, my garden in dormancy, my laundry that died, my wool that wants washing, my various appointments and projects. It is keeping me busy enough to ward off much of the darkness.
But sometimes, when I am alone, I hear the dark thoughts calling me. I have decided to knit them a pair of socks- Winter Thoughts socks. At least their feet will be warm while they whine at me.

1 comment:

Bairbre Aine said...

Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry to read about Sara, Eduard's and your loss. My hope is that these moments in sad time pass quickly. May the business of routine and forward movement keep all of you busy. Time really does heal most sorrows.
I'm thinking happy, hopeful thoughts of all of you!
I also am loving your winter thoughts socks idea! You are so brilliant!
hugs,
Bairbre Aine